Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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