my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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