found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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