I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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