i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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