I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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