i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
