I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
God I need to hump something, right now.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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