We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
