I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
