i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
