i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
