my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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