she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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