you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
