Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize