Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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