my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he was CRYING into my vagina
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
