My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
