The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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