I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
