you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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