thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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