I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
