I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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