it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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