I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
