wakey wakey hands off snakey
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize