I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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