I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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