you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize