she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
