It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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