True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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