I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
