if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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