Will you blow on my dice?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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