Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
