Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
