I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
