he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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