Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
