ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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