you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
