I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
