My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
