believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
