ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
