i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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