1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
