remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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