my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
