Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
