I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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