woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize